Baal, Amiga.
The Abraded. Might be subject to change or replacement but I really wanted to jam out with crunchy amiga samplesss
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I’m so sorry @tyrantisterror. You live in a world that simply isn’t ready for you.
So! Fun story!
I was bullied relentlessly as a little kid specifically because I was a little boy who didn’t adhere to traditional masculine virtues - when we played on the playground, I always wanted to be in some nurturing role, like a papa t.rex watching over his kids or something, and the other boys thought that was weird so they beat the crap out of me. Or if they were playing superheroes or James Bond or whatever I’d be disinterested because it was all about “beating the bad guy” but, like, the bad guy wasn’t doing anything, there was nothing to struggle against him for, so what was the point? Cue beating.
And eventually I just swallowed all those feelings and learned to mimic the correct behavior, while ignoring the part of me that wanted to, like, care for people and cry and shit. And it resulted in some very callous behavior in my teenage years that I deeply regret, and sometimes slip back into because eventually the masks we put up become part of our face.
But there’s also this part of me, which I blame on Godzilla, that just… tenaciously fights for my right to be weird. It took me a long time to finally snap and become a more boy-ish boy because of that part, and once I realized the scope of what I had become, and how much I missed being that sweet little kid that got the shit kicked out of him, and how I’d betrayed myself by renouncing it, that Godzilla part of me came roaring back and like
I can’t allow myself to ignore that part of me anymore. I can’t listen to people telling me that caring is wrong anymore. I can’t listen when people tell me compassion is wrong. I can’t. I can’t.
I did it once and it resulted in some of the worst mistakes of my life.
I can’t be that again. Godzilla won’t let me. If compassion makes me a monster, then a monster I’ll be.
Anyway, that’s where my emotional vulnerability has left me tonight. How’s everyone else doing?